Day Four: Racing to Crash

I never know how long the highs will last, an hour.. a day, week, months?? What I do know is that with next to no sleep at all, I start to decline in my ability to think and act after the 3rd day. I also know that I can only go 5 days without sleep before I physically crash. Which isn’t to say that mentally I slow down at all because most often that isn’t the case.

Tonight I am on night 4 and I think I’ve had 4-5hrs of sleep/snoozing in that time. I can feel myself getting annoyed within, like an ache or a craving. This is where I can snap easily in any direction.

I’ve cried too numerous times today to count but over nothing mostly. I’ve cried in laughter also which is rare for me. I’ve been short and direct, borderline snappy all afternoon.

Getting to this stage through a lack of asleep is annoying for me and unfair on everyone who wears the grunt of it, but a person can only keep going so fast, for so long before everything has to stop or come to an end.

Tonight I’m forcing the issue if I can and have taken an extra tablet to wipe me out. As I’m seeing stars, I assume I’ll get to sleep quickly.. I just hope I can stay asleep. Goodnight world.

Day Three: As it goes so far…

Still up there and no sign of slowing down. If it was going to hit me, the crash, it would have done so by now. Seems I might have a productive day.

Some advanced warning would have been nice, I may have actually planned to do something and followed through with it for a change.

Not to worry, I’ll do the erratic thing around the house and do bits and pieces of this, that and everything. Y’all know how it goes, gotta go with the flow.

Day Three: Night and Day Roll in to One.

One of the biggest issues I face on a regular basis is sleep. I either can’t get enough, as in.. fast asleep for 18hrs and still feeling like more is needed or it takes me 4hrs to fall asleep for 20mins and then I’m awake again or I don’t get any at all. It’s often misinterpreted that having bipolar means that you have extreme mood fluctuations. Yes, this happens also but the basic functions of life, that most take for granted are also deeply impacted.. appetite, sleep, concentration. I often go days with little to no sleep. As they start to back up on each other, I feel other parts of my personality slip away. I become blank, lifeless and intolerant to everyone and everything. I feel an anger inside that I can’t explain and anyone who dares to step in front of me can wear a full tirade over the simplest of things. Much of the time I’m not even aware that I’m behaving differently. It will take someone to say “you’re being weird today”, and “sometimes” I catch on. When I’m aware of how easily agitated I am, I try to remove myself from all contact with the outside world. I feel like I’m poison to everyone I come in contact with. Today is either day 2 or 3 of only getting a couple of hours sleep each night. I’m starting to feel very restless and anxious about the inevitable decline in my mood. Look out world.

Day Two: Conclusions and a Retrospective Look at the Day.

Far from a good start to the day which has resulted in a lonely Friday night deep in thought. I keep getting an old quote in my head, the one about futility being that of making a mistake and repeating it while expecting a different outcome. Yep, that sounds like me alright. Many things bug me about being bipolar, but one that often stands out above most is that it’s easier to make something worse than better and I seem to be just begging to be miserable some days… like I deserve to be. I can say in words that I know I deserve to be happy but they are only words and it doesn’t change the way I feel, behave or react. It would be so much easier to sleep days like today away and not have to deal with anything or anyone. At least then other people wouldn’t be so effected by my moods. So my parting words for day two of my public online journey are this, sorry to the world that I came in any contact with today, I should have stayed in bed.

Day Two: Another Day Begins.

So, here I am once more. A usual hour for me to wake up, around 5am. I don’t know if it’s the world around me coming to life that disturbs me or my broken brain telling me that 4hrs is a sufficient amount of sleep. I still managed to smoke 4 cigarettes in that amount of time and eat a chocolate bar. Am I the only one who gets cravings while asleep and still manages to fulfil them even though I’m 90% still asleep? Either way, I’m on about day 3 of limited sleep, yet I wouldn’t consider myself to have been on a high as such. Physically I’m very down, mentally up. It’s wearing me out thinking about being physical. Maybe they should change the name of bipolar to vicious circle syndrome… seems more apt.

Day One: The Introduction.

Hi. My name is Chris but I’d rather be known here by my username; OnlyMyseliSomeDays. I live in Australia and I suffer from bipolar 1 disorder, OCD and I have been the victim of sexual assault and domestic violence. I’d like to share my story and my daily struggles and hear from those who are in similar situations who are prepared to also share that very personal part of their lives. I also encourage any positive input from professionals relating to any of the topics discussed. I hope in doing so, for myself… to not feel quite so alone in how I feel and get some good advice and learn some new strategies along the way. I have never done anything like this before so please bare with me, mistakes are inevitable. I look forward to talking about and sharing these topics with anyone who has interest. Thank you.